After totally destroying (in a bad way) The Beatles and Elton John by way of Moulin Rouge at funky Chinese karaoke Saturday night, I thought I would look back on my biggest accomplishment of last week: day job bowling champion.

That’s right. All those years in youth bowling leagues finally paid off. I have not one, but two trophies adorning my cubicle. One is for highest individual score (215) and the other, for first place team. (Great work Ryan, Dan, and Jessy.)

I couldn’t have done it without my mom, who introduced me to the blue collar battle royale that is 10 pin bowling and paid for that new ball return after “the incident.” (Thank God juvi records are sealed when you turn 18.) I’d also like to thank Walter Sobchak for the enduring wisdom that guides me every time I lace up my fragrant, tri-colored alley shoes.

These trophies are for you, Mom and Walter